Wednesday, May 21, 2008


Betrayal, it is bad to turn on someone else, but to lie to yourself feels worse. I guess I'm "a self hating gay". To write this makes me sad and seems all too harsh. I don't really believe it but I have some growth ahead of me. I don't hate myself for who I am, but I'm not overtly "proud". Or at least I don't feel the need to tell anyone that I'm gay (even the subconscious says anyone and not everyone).

I decided on some guidelines sometime ago, after I came out to a couple of friends. I don't believe that sexual orientation is a topic to be assumed or discussed upon first meeting someone, so it took sometime to come out to my friends after moving to Atlanta. I believe(d) the following circumstances deemed a direct answer, but tonight I didn't come through on number 4.

I should tell you that I'm gay if:
  1. you are gay
  2. you are a straight woman that hits on me
  3. you are my mom and dad (they know now and I'm happy they do, but I don't think everyone's parents are quite like mine)
  4. you ask me if I'm gay. (there should be no beating around the bush on this one "are you gay?" should be the question)
If I don't know you, should I answer scenario 4?

I think one more change in life will ultimately correct this weird work/friends relationship that I have. I don't feel that anyone I work with needs to know I'm gay, because to date they don't know?maybe

I've betrayed my own statements and beliefs today.
I met some "friends" at a restaurant tonight, a straight republican makes a joking statement that democrats are gay and then says ... right Steve? His girl replies, "what is he not straight or a democrat?" I swiftly reply that I'm a democrat. I feel that this is a violation of rule # 4 in my own 'rules of conduct'.

I've dodged the one question that I thought I'd come out with if I was straight up asked. I have reasons for not answering the question. Although I could argue that I answered the question in a matter of speaking. Maybe, they already know?

No comments: